Between Two Chairs

We want to be honest with you, dear readers. So we’ll give it to you straight: we don’t get many tips from you! Send us your gossip. Otherwise, this blog will slowly die. :(

email us at swatsbigasschair@gmail.com

Exploring Sexuality at Paces

Paces parties can get pretty dirtayyy. That’s no secret. Last weekend, the Valentine’s Gay Party saw our trusty old party venue get down and sweaty. Lots of people rubbing up on each other (as usual), but there was a bit of drama too. A reader sent in this little tidbit:

A certain mohawk-ed sk8terboi spent a good 20 minutes rubbing up on a row of guys. He backed his ass up against the first guy and grinded hard against him as if he were giving him a stand-up lap dance.

Later, I saw sk8terboi go in for the kill, but the guy seemed to suddenly remember he was straight and found a girl to dance with. Poor sk8terboi tried to break them up, but the hetero couple ignored him out and left the party pretty quickly after that.

60 degree weather in February! Damn. That’s enough to get me out of hibernation. Before you know it, yours truly will be out on Parrish Beach for your enjoyment - and for better surveillance of the scandalous lives led on our idyllic campus. Until then, I’m gonna need your help to share the good, the bad, and the dirrrtayyy. So keep your eyes and ears open, and send some tips my way.

To tide you over (and pump you up for our weekly party preview), we’re gonna recap last weekend’s lackluster party scene. 

1. LSE Appetizer - um, I’m still angry as fuck about this. First of all, as one reader pointed out, Fly Union already came for Worthstock a few years back. And they sucked. Big time. Their rhymes and beats were not fly - and in fact, they were downright misogynistic. So why the fuck did we spend good money to bring mediocrity back? And too much money at that. 

2. Poon 2.0 - Paces is Paces. Nothing to report here, except a broken light. BORING.

3. Sexrayvision - Word on the lawn is that the Worth hipsters forgot to get a party permit, so this shindig did not even happen. Typical!

KIT,

Swat’s Bootylicious Chair

Weekly Party Preview

Hello everyone!

In my typical, snarky/bitter/problematic fashion, lemme systematically give you a preview of this weekend’s events:

LSE/Olde Club “Appetizer”: Y’all know my inflammatory response to this event. Sure, it’s an appetizer and not the REAL event, but really? Which Swatties actually still hold dreams of a great LSE? I’m talking to you right now: YOU ARE DELUSIONAL. LSE is already trying to appease us by presenting a pity, throw-away event. If they are spending money on this pathetic event, does that mean we have enough big money for those big-name headliners we originally voted on? Use your noggin, people.

2.0 (from the makers of Club Poon): The organizers must be awfully pleased with themselves for getting the name past the administration’s radar. Good thing that the administration isn’t hip enough to actually urban dictionary that and see that “Poon” means PUSSY. Regardless, I’m meh on this. Sure, the electro music will be nice (gotta work out my calves anyways) and sure, the extra lights will be electrifying. But really, Paces dressed up is still Paces at the end of the day. Of course, my philosophy is to embrace the shit out of Paces. Where else can you simulate sex, get free nasty drinks, and dance on tables? My recommendation: go if you want to have fun and get some ass. Of course, you better gimme a good story come Sunday Brunch.

Sexrayvision in Olde Club: Gotta give it to them, witty name. However, a little chair told me that it’s an informal birthday party for one of our resident Worth hipsters and still got SAC funded. In that case, sure you may not like the music, know the people, or even like anything about this party, but for god’s sake, GO TO THIS PARTY because your student activities’ money is being embezzled if you didn’t go. ‘Nuff said.

Peace out.

Never change, KIT.

Fan Mail

Our first fan mail from a budding chair:

“i am in tears and would like to kiss your faces

or planky bottom???

either way, what kind of gossip do y’all take? swassip was forever careful about naming specific people / organizations etc … rules?”

Now, she/he/they touch on a good point. What exactly ARE our gossip rules?

Well, my darling chairs, read our response:

“Hi [redacted name]

Thanks for caressing my wood.

Our policy: we won’t name people, but organizations——please, organizations aren’t people.*

KIT,

Big Ass Chair”

*Fun Fact: A Swat alum actually goaded Mr. I-make-too-much-money-for-my-own-good Romney to say that an Iowa campaign event.

Questions? Comments? Sharp Critique? Swat’s Big Ass Chair welcomes them! Go ahead, touch my wood (a.k.a. email me).

Is LSE fucking cursed by incompetency?

What. The. Fuck.

https://www.facebook.com/events/241948399216167/

A little chair told me that Swarthmore’s Large Scale Event “appetizer” will actually be this Friday in Olde Club featuring Fly Union. There are several things wrong with this sentence, so in the typical Swarthmore fashion, let me deconstruct this for you:

1. What the fuck happened to that super awesome LSE poll featuring J.Cole, Janelle Monae, and Childish Gambino? I would have been fine with any of them. Of course, the poll got all fucked up and they had to do it again. INCOMPETENCY STRIKE #1

2. What the fuck is Fly Union? It turns out that our precious money will not be spent on any of the polled artists, but rather some no-name rappers no one has heard of except LSE committee members. Who the fuck choose them and thought it was a good idea? INCOMPETENCY STRIKE #2

3. What the fuck is with the event in Olde Club? Sadly, I think the organizers know that this event will be a fucking dud and want it in Olde Club to make it look more crowded. That is so pathetic. Why did the organizers think that it’s okay to spend big money from Swarthmore’s already tight budget on something like this? You think that last year’s hipster fiasco would have been a lesson, but no, it seems like history repeats itself in the most horrific, pathetic way possible. INCOMPETENCY STRIKE #3

I’d hate to use a cliche, but THREE STRIKES AND YOU’RE OUT.

Now, it’s time to point fingers and call people out on their pathetic incompetency and self-delusion.

PLEASE change, KIT.

Party foul!

Just a couple of notes from last night’s Ball So Hard party…

First of all, to the creeper dudes standing around in circles near the bar starting at like 11 pm: surely there are better places to have conversations, if that’s what you’re at Paces for (because of course you’re not creeping, right?). Literally any other location on this campus is better for chatting it up. So either haul your ass elsewhere to gab, or step your game up — I think you know what the Big Ass Chair (TM) is talking about.

Second of all, to the dumbass unfortunate girl who caused the Ball So Hard to shut down just as the music finally started getting fucking awesome — just, fuck you. Let us methodically devastate any of the possible excuses: freshman? It’s the second semester; lock it up. Excited to be back at school? Lock it up. Lost count on accident, won’t happen again? Lock it up. A little chair told me that she was not, in fact, a Swattie. The Big Chair is nothing if not respectful of people’s anonymity, so we’ll leave it, in our fashionable way (and yes, that is a hint), at that. smh.

Anyway, catch you on the flipside, Swat. Never change, KIT.

It’s Britney, bitch.

In other words, I’M BACKKKK. Bigger, stronger, harder, faster, and gossip-er than usual. Apologies for the oh-so-terrible time lapse. I dozed off for a nap like any typical Swattie in a lazy weekday afternoon and like Sleeping Beauty, woke up only after the kiss of a special someone. Not really, just to the sound of rude Swatties welcoming each other back after break. 

Anyways, I have’t seen anything yet, BUTTT here’s my take on all the parties happening this weekend: 

Ball so Hard, Paces, Friday: Interesting…kinda looked like that they are Jay-Z wannabes, but I heard that there’s a red carpet. Yo, that’s classy, betches. Anyways, since it’s the only party on Friday night, it’s guaranteed to be good. I say, check it out friends and report that scandalous shit back to me. k thanx. 

The Dirrtyyy South, Olde Club, Saturday: Intrigued at what the music will be. If it’s a “hoe-down”, count me in! But it seems like it’s going to be a low-key, happy kind of event so go there if you don’t want to get laid. 

Pajama Palooza, DU, Saturday: Huh, I hope to god this isn’t a new annual DU tradition, added to their Hoe-downs, Toga parties, Graffiti parties, etc. Enough with the traditions!! Jeez, anyways, I anticipate seeing a lot of bros in ironic PJs, desperate to get attention with the ladies and looking ‘cool’ by looking lame. Oh and the ladies! Don’t get me started. Any excuse for girls (I’m looking at you freshmen) to look slutty, they will. That said, I anticipate seeing a good mixture of one-suit footsies and imitation silk lingerie. Go if you want to see drunk loud white people and their athletic friends. 

Welcome to the Jungle, Phi Psi, Saturday: Lass’ upteenth attempt to have a rockin’ party. Of course, let’s hope it doesn’t fail like its Superhero party in Olde Club two years ago. What you don’t remember? My point exactly. Not much to say here, I think the description speaks for itself. Go if you want to see a bunch of girls in cheetah print and cutesy (but really not) ears pining for those smelly Phi Psi guys. A little birdie told me that all Phi Psi guys plan to be off-campus that night. And they took their STDs with them. Go if you want to hang out with drunk loud girls and eventually migrate with them to DU. 

Euro-Trip Party, Paces, Saturday: Huh. My opinion? European guys are sketch as fuck. Therefore, if you are into that whole sweaty, sketchy scene (hey, to each their own), go. Please go. Take those european men off my innocent friends’ backs—or fronts. 

Anyways, I’m cummmmminng back soon with more deets on what actually happens this weekend. 

Never change, KIT. 

Debauchery at Swat isn’t as lively as it used to be. Yesterday’s Paces Party was mediocre. And full of creepers (as usual). One of our loyal subscribers had this to say about last night:

“Dear underclassman who spanked me last night as I was leaving paces:  Ew.  If you’re gonna spank someone playfully, then at least stay and eye fuck a little instead of shying away.  Dumb cunt.” 

P.S. Does this submission belong here? Or at LAL?